Class Reflections: 1st Quarter of Spring 2010

So far, I'm getting the impression that calculus isn't really easy to practice - it's something that has to be learned through rote practice. Linear algebra is so theoretical I have no idea where it's going to go for now, but I love thinking about the abstract questions that we get for homework in that class. The first real homework assignment we got in that class was, find two planes that intersect at one single point in R^4 (the fourth dimension). It took some thinking but once I figured it out, it was a fairly easy proof. Statistics was going pretty slow up until now (my professor likes to go off on tangents with his knowledge and experience to formulate questions and examples), and recently we worked out some proof for the properties of variance. I have a feeling I will really like this course later on when we get past the review. Lastly, computer science is still slow, even with my little knowledge in programming. I should take a more rigorous computer science course in the future.

Ben Bernanke EXPOSED

He's just a terrible guy.

But really, if what all these democrats say is true about Ben Bernanke is true, why is he in for a third time as chairman?

What is the role of the federal reserve chairman? How can I follow with economic policy from an objective point of view? It's definitely not something I'd give up math for, but is it something that I can follow without devoting my education to it? Maybe this is a better question to ask a professor.

Finally, someone I've been wanting to meet

Thank God I'm not the only one who gives a crap about what I'm studying.

I was working on a calculus proof that I wasn't really sure about when I peeped over at my neighbor's screen and saw that he was also working on calculus. I asked him what class he was taking and we talked from there.

Amazing guy. I only talked to him for a few minutes but I was definitely excited to study with this guy later and learn more about him. Apparently, he sucks at math but he wants to understand it now that he sees math has a purpose.

I met up with him later in the day and met his girlfriend. He talked to me about his interests in neuroscience and how he got into it. I love talking to these kinds of people - people who find genuine excitement in what they do. He reminded me of a personal experience my linear algebra teacher shared today. The professor told us about a time he took algebraic topology in college and he learned something so amazing that he couldn't stop talking about it and he was telling everyone he knew. Oh, God I got a good laugh out of that one and I couldn't help but laugh when I thought about what this guy I was talking to was doing.

We got off the topic of academia and I got to know him on a more personal level. He grew up poor and he's content with being poor so long as he does what he wants. I'm not as extreme of a case as him, but I truly appreciate these kinds of motives. He also told me about how his immature and reckless his relationship with his girlfriend early on changed one day and they were good since. It gave me a lot of hope for my relationship with my girlfriend.

I'm not at a level where I can begin to talk about what my academic passions are like him. I love math for the purpose of expanding my knowledge and the range of my creativity to find an appropriate application in the financial industry.

As far as the first week of spring 2010 is going, calculus and linear algebra are terse and fast-paced (love it) and statistics is overloaded with excess examples. Computer science... we'll see about this class later this year.

Kind of apart from the rest of this post, but I feel like I lack the qualities of a good or interesting friend. I can see great things in people that I meet, but when I look at myself, I just can't find something that's great about me. I think I really need to reflect back on the way I'm living my life and hopefully I'll find some things that I can change.

What does it take to program?

I had a few questions about software development after my computer science class today. My professor stated in class that programming was a subset of computer science as a whole, so I began to wonder what being a software developer would entail. I asked my questions at the end of class and got answers I had never received before. Learning a language alone is not the best way to get into programming, learning the big concepts behind computer science will help you become sufficiently efficient and knowledgeable about how to program.

I wonder if it'll still be something I want to do when I'm through with this class.

There's no goodbye for us

I remember the earlier times I knew a girl. We became close friends through our church activities. We shared with each other our hobbies, interests, and even problems. I became fond of her with time and from this point on, I wanted nothing more than to help her with her problems and take care of her.

And so a time came when we dated. We had good times and bad times, just like anyone else. But our bad times never improved. I didn't know what to do, I did everything I thought I could do and still I did not see any improvement in her.

I regret not being able to do enough and by now I've come to realize it's not in my power to be able to help her. I regret not having asked God for help before. I regret the many times that I lost my cool and acted/spoke rashly. And from this day on, I promise that I won't let myself near her until I have sufficient self-control.

Only after she's been taken away from me do I realize that what I wanted from her has not changed and that I've been taking so much for granted. I can't possibly ask for much more than a girl with a beautiful heart who acknowledges the grace of God. She definitely has her struggles right now, but her passion remains strong in giving out a hand for people. She sees me as the best man there is for her and there's nothing else to it.

There is still so much I have to learn from this girl. I just hope that when she does get better, she feels the same way about me and will come back to me with the same open heart she had before. What worries me most is that what she has for me is an obsession or dependency rather than love. Regardless, I'm going to set the rest of my life to studies and wait for her.

When she does get into a state when I would be allowed to talk to her and I am also ready, I will accept her with the same open arms that always welcomed me.
But until then, I will pray everyday that healing and improvement will happen in both of us and that a such a moment will happen one day.

A new year

A new year. So what? Why do we make such a big deal out of it?

I can understand some reasons as to why we celebrate, but it doesn't really justify it being such a big day.

What comes out of a new year that we can't do any other day? Reflections on oneself, resolutions that aren't kept, the start of a "new" year that will revert back to normal this coming Monday.

I wish I had a mind that was more accepting of other people. Who am I, after all, to be questioning everyone else when I'm the only one who has a problem with New Years and birthdays.

I can only hope this year will be better than last year - it was a tough year for me.

It's been over 20 months since I've been dating my girlfriend and the last few months have been going downhill. I've been having some issues with her being obsessively dependent on people, but I've finally been able to get to her that consultations with friends, Christians, and family has only been of a temporary benefit. So this time, we're trying something very different.

I somehow convinced her to eliminate anything that would allow her to have access to people at the click of a button. Hopefully, she will take advantage of her college experience, meet people, grow some responsibility, and find herself.

I am proud to say that as immature as people know me to be, I can now fully understand when I am making use of my life. Unfortunately for me, taking action is on a completely different level, but that will be the focus for me this year.

So, why am I being such a hypocrite today and planning resolutions of my own? Because I've also decided to be more patient and accepting of other people.

Goodbye old church

I decided to not come back to my church back at home again. It was a hard decision to make, considering that it was the church I grew up in.

There are two pastors who work with our youth group at our church. One of them is very logical and intelligent pastor (with a degree from the University of Chicago and devotes his life to theology), the other is charismatic.

The logical pastor recommended I start going to a Reformed Presbyterian church in my college town, and I found it to be a great match for me. I came to meet two very well equipped pastors with degrees from Cornell and Yale. Of course, that's not to say the degrees speak for themselves, but they definitely are bright individuals.

I have learned far more from this church than I ever have in my life and it has brought me to question how much I know about my own religion and beliefs. I realize now, that my old church at home has little to offer for spiritual growth and that I need to find a new church.

But what I'd like to know is how the logical pastor at my hometown church can stay awake, listen, and nod in agreement to what the charismatic pastor preaches every week. Truly a gift of pacifism - one that I really need to start working on. It's definitely a question I will mail to him, because I would really like to know what kind of mentality he has going to church every week.

Anyway, before I get any more off track, the charismatic pastor and his wife serve at our church with a very ungrateful heart. This is not just from my opinion, a respectable teacher that I know at church thinks the same. They make claims about the bible that do not make any sense. I honestly have a hard time believing that they could make a sermon that would make some logical sense even if they tried. And additionally, the claims they do make are not consistent with beliefs that I know to be true. In my opinion, these are some seriously misled individuals who believe they've been "called" to do God's ministry, as they say.

I had a long argument with the pastor's wife the second day of the winter retreat a few days ago and I was not content with the answers she gave me. (I know I am not giving concrete examples of the statements I've been making, I don't want this place to become a place for me to vent my anger. But I feel this part is necessary.)

What I asked had to do with her opinion on the role the Holy Spirit plays in her life. She explained to me, and I told her that you can never know if it's the Holy Spirit or your intuition. She tells me, it's a part of my intuition and the Holy Spirit's help. So I asked, how do you know this? She said, faith. The rest was an argument about how faith is ignorance.

Quick question right? Long ass time to get an answer (She talks on and on, gets off topic, forgets what we're talking about, doesn't answer the question but keeps talking, etc.)

How will I share God's word with logical people that I will be around for a long time in academia who expect logical reasoning, when I cannot justify my own religion and beliefs? I realized that the better question to be asking myself at home was, "How will I be able to learn God's word for myself when every other week at home when I'm hearing a simple minded pastor who believes that are simple answers to complex ideas?"

Luckily for me, the other pastor here is careful enough to give me very thoroughly backed up evidence about some questions I have without making a definite claim, because he's able to acknowledge that there are some questions that just do not have answers.

I considered not going to church altogether, but my mom convinced me this was a rash decision. She reminded me that I would not be where I am right now geographically, mentally, and spiritually if it was not for the grace of God.

This is a wake up call for me. A wake up call for me to stop being an ignorant Christian or maybe for me to change my attitude.