HOME!

Man, did it feel good hanging out today. I don't like hanging out. Or do I? I do like hanging out with Alex. Hanging out with people is definitely energy draining for me, and I don't like to get out in the first place. But when I do, it feels great.

I haven't really hung out much in college and even when I do hang out, it feels dull. I haven't found the right group of friends for me yet. My girlfriend asked me something along the lines of, "Well, if you haven't found ANYONE that you consider an ideal friend, what is it exactly you look for in a friend?". And to my surprise (that was sarcasm), I wasn't able to give her an answer.

Well, lets take a look at my best friend, who I've known since 2nd grade. We've been best friends since and I don't think that will ever change. Who is he to me? Someone who knows everything about me, someone who is hilarious, intelligent, insightful, someone who always has something I can learn from. I'm comfortable around him and I got through the whole semester without having talked to him much and I still feel the same connection I did when we left. I don't communicate these connections with him, it's just my intuition. But then again, that's as far as I can get with that kind of information - guys just don't talk about these kinds of things.

So what is it that I look for in a friend? Someone who I can look up to and learn from? Haven't had many encounters with those types of people at Indiana, but I feel like it's more of a friendship that's formed with time. One that's deeper than what can be developed over a short period of time. But then how do I know the people I'm hanging out with will ever become like that to me? Well, I don't and that's what bugs me. And even if someone does become a close friend to me, will I want that to happen?

Even with my best friend, he isn't perfect. There's no doubt he's smarter than me in every aspect imaginable. But we split up with our morals. He isn't a christian and I am. I don't let his actions speak to me, I accept it as a part of him and we get along just fine. He doesn't influence me negatively - he knows my stance on particular topics and doesn't pressure me (nor has he ever).

It's selfish to admit, but I want a friend who is amazing, just like the friend I mentioned above. Amazing to others? Who knows. Amazing to me? Yes. In fact, my standard of success is based off of his progress. He doesn't beat me in everything. Yet, I still think he's better than me. We've had some friendly competition going on ever since middle school with grades and he always beat me. When it came down to what mattered, I scored better than him on the test scores. It didn't matter, he was still better than me.

What is it about him that I should be looking for in a friend? Well, hopefully I will find out soon.

I left his house after watching Fight Club. Turned out the movie was about a person with split personality disorder at the explicit level. But what about the symptomatic meaning of what the movie is trying to get across? I feel like there was a very philosophical message in the movie, whether the author intended it or not. What is the meaning of what we do? At the end of the day, what does it amount to? Why do we do what we do? Does it matter what we do?

Great, another thought to ponder upon.